Sunday, 25 May 2014

Not crying today

Yesterday I decided that I was not going to cry.  That, in part, is why there was no post yesterday.  I always found it easier to write when I am sad.  I can write about anything sad, but when I am really happy, I find my writing is lacking.  I find that sad.  Well yesterday I hid the votive candle with my father's picture on it behind the baptism cards that my daughter received just  3 days after the funeral and told my father that I needed NOT to cry that day.   The wall of sorrow threatened to block me from my happiness but I pushed it away with more and more strength every hour.  Soon I was singing "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley to my nephew and it did not hurt.  It did hurt but I got used to pushing it away, promising that I will shed tears another day, but not that day.  I think what helped was that I was not going to be alone with my daughter all day.  My husband would be home after work in the early afternoon, and we were going to visit my sister.  I did not want to fall into tears in front of them.  I do not want the comforting "there, theres" and I did not want to plan on where I would hide myself to sob.  Now I need to learn to keep my mind busy, to stop parking my butt on the couch and have FULL busy days and I don't just mean laundry and dishes.  Part of the reason that I wanted to stay home was to get my hands into some projects.  Well my only accomplished project is procrastination and what scares me is that I will never get a chance to try or finish a project.   ok, like I said, I do not know what to write when I'm happy.

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