Monday, 25 August 2014

Now is Good

Last post I think I mentioned that I watched a Dakota Fanning movie called Now is Good.  A story of a  teen diagnosed with Leukemia who dies in the end.  Touching movie.  In other previous posts I have mentioned how shitty the idea of my father is watching over us makes me feel.  I felt that it was unjust for him to just be hovering and not being able to interact with us. Also as frustrating for us to feel him around and not knowing if he is stuck watching us or if he enjoys it.  I my past posts.  My point is that in the movie, Dakota's friend is pregnant and she is hopeful that she will meet the baby.  It is an unrealistic thought since she has weeks to live by then and the pregnant woman is at the beginning of her pregnancy.  Once she died, Dakota was able to meet the baby in a "dream".  Dream would be the only way I could explain it because the mother of the baby was there and Dakota was able to pick up the baby and interact with both people.  This sits better in my heart.  Maybe the times that we dream about someone who has passed is the only way that that person could interact with us.  Perhaps when we sleep and we do not remember our dreams is because our consciousness has left (the building) and is playing with our dear ones on another plane.  This makes me smile and hurt less.

Thats all I've got for today.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

I Miss You

There was a tractor on my street today, one with a shovel on an arm, it was not being used, maybe the driver was stopping in for lunch or something.   It made me think of when you would stop by when I was home on vacation.  It made me think that this year, this year you would have rearranged your work schedule just so you could have stopped by to see your grand baby.  Why couldn't we have had this summer to enjoy your visits.  Just one last summer.

I keep thinking of the last thing I told you on the phone.  After that last thing, I was ready for you to go.  I said "I'm going to miss you Dad," and you said "I'm going to miss you too".  The last thing that you said to me was, "your mother wanted me to tell you that I am proud of you, but you already know that."  I didn't know that in so many words.  I just knew.  But even though I was ready for you to go, I was never ready to miss you.  I feel like I am caving in.  I feel like I am imploding.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel like I will never be able to watch a movie in which someone dies.  I just finished a movie with Dakota Fanning, who has Leukemia.  Her father breaks down and tells her not to go, that he wants her to take him with her.  I watched the movie to the end, knowing that I would cry.  I needed to cry. I haven't cried in a while, but now I feel like I will never stop.

I want to see him again. I need to hug him again.  God I miss him.