Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Difficult decisions.

Today I feel kind of empty.  Empty feels a lot like sadness, only lighter.  Sadness weighs down my every fiber and threatens tears, emptiness feels a lot like sadness....or maybe I'm bored.  For the past year and a half, if I wasn't thinking about my mom being sick, my mother in law being sick or my dad being sick, I was thinking about my pregnancy and new baby or of a friendship that I had to end without explanation.  So, my mom got better, my mother in law is in remission, and my father died....suffice to say, I no longer have the stress of my father dying, or planning his funeral.  My baby is four months old and I haven't really stressed about her in a while since she is an easy baby and so great.  So the last thing that was constantly on my mind was the friend that I missed so much.  It hurt how much I missed her.  The pain of missing her was crushing.  Every song, t.v. show or drive would remind me of her.  Anyway, I decided to give her a call.  I decided that I did not want to regret not reaching out to her.  So I texted her (coward) and we met for breakfast.  The afternoon before our meeting, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  I started to panic and make scenarios in my head.  What if she said this, I would say that, and if she reacted like this well...I would just tell her how it is. There, that's it, I will just march up to her and tell her like it is.  Well it did not go that way at all.  The drive there reminded me of so many good memories I started to get excited to see her, like I used to.  When I saw her, the only thing I could do was reach out my arms and pull her towards me for a hug....I didn't realize that that might have been my closure hug, and not a new beginning hug.  We told each other what had happened in the past year and a half and in between told each other how much it hurt to miss each other and how we handled it with tears.  But when I left, when I gave her a hug goodbye, I felt nothing.  No missing her, no pull to see her again, just nothing.  The last thing I said to her when we "broke up", I stood beside her, not looking at her sitting and told her that I would have loved to give her a hug, but I just couldn't. I said that "I just can't,"  That is why I think that the hug I gave her when I saw her was my closure hug.  After that hug, I could hardly look her in the eye while we talked.  I was fidgety and distracted by my blessed baby.  When I left, I understood.  I needed closure.  I got my closure.  And whatever happens happens.  It is going to be weird for a while, not missing her.  I don't think I know how not to miss her.  But it won't hurt anymore, I'll miss the fun we used to have, but my life has changed, I have moved on, and I have to be a good role model for my daughter.  I am proud of myself and I wouldn't change a thing.

Monday, 9 June 2014

Not there anymore

I was going to write about something and I decided not to.  It is a touchy subject and it is still raw.  I wonder if I'll end up writing about it anyways.  I'm still struggling with the loss of my father. I haven't cried in.....a week.  I might cry today though.  I just can't believe that he was there and now no more.  He's not across the globe, or working away from home, he's literally not here anymore.  I was speaking to my father in law about windshield wipers.  He said that  "In the late 1950s, engine vacuum was applied to operate the first intermittent wipers, in which mode the wipers were powered by air rushing into the vacuum stored in a small canister, and stopped when the pressure difference between the outside air and the canister became too small to power the wipers."   Laughing at his explanation about going uphill in the rain and the wipers not functioning because the engine was taking too much energy, I immediately thought that I would ask my father if he.......oh, that's right.  I don't know if the pain showed on my face.  I felt a weight drop in my heart.  I cannot ask him about this, and then I thought, why didn't I ask him about this.  I feel like I should have asked him more questions. I feel like I should have listened better.  I felt like a bad daughter because I did not know about this.  I constantly think of him now.  I constantly think of how I wish he could see me now.  I want so desperately to see him with my daughter, to tell me stories of how similar or different my daughter and I are.  I wanted to see my daughter run and scream for 'grandma and grandpa', but now it's just grandma.  We still haven't gone through his things.  It's only been a month but its already been a month.