Monday, 9 June 2014

Not there anymore

I was going to write about something and I decided not to.  It is a touchy subject and it is still raw.  I wonder if I'll end up writing about it anyways.  I'm still struggling with the loss of my father. I haven't cried in.....a week.  I might cry today though.  I just can't believe that he was there and now no more.  He's not across the globe, or working away from home, he's literally not here anymore.  I was speaking to my father in law about windshield wipers.  He said that  "In the late 1950s, engine vacuum was applied to operate the first intermittent wipers, in which mode the wipers were powered by air rushing into the vacuum stored in a small canister, and stopped when the pressure difference between the outside air and the canister became too small to power the wipers."   Laughing at his explanation about going uphill in the rain and the wipers not functioning because the engine was taking too much energy, I immediately thought that I would ask my father if he.......oh, that's right.  I don't know if the pain showed on my face.  I felt a weight drop in my heart.  I cannot ask him about this, and then I thought, why didn't I ask him about this.  I feel like I should have asked him more questions. I feel like I should have listened better.  I felt like a bad daughter because I did not know about this.  I constantly think of him now.  I constantly think of how I wish he could see me now.  I want so desperately to see him with my daughter, to tell me stories of how similar or different my daughter and I are.  I wanted to see my daughter run and scream for 'grandma and grandpa', but now it's just grandma.  We still haven't gone through his things.  It's only been a month but its already been a month.

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