Saturday, 29 November 2014

End of grief?

Lately I feel like I have forgotten that my father has died.  It is going on seven months now and I feel fine....ish.  Some fleeting moments I feel like I should be more sad, like I shouldn't be able to function.  I feel as though I am being a bad daughter for not hurting more.  Tears spring up and feel like the end of the world but they are gone and dried up within minutes.  No more hugging myself, crying into my pillow for hours.  People tell me it is because I am so busy with my baby and being pregnant that I have no time for grief.  If that is the case then I am storing it up somewhere and I am not looking forward to when the dam breaks.  It will be ugly.  I think it is because I had the time to tell my father everything.  There wasn't much to say since I don't really keep to myself but I had the time to muster up my courage and tell him I was going to miss him. (here come the tears)  It was only months that lead up to his death but he was able to go through the emotions of anger, resentment, fear, and acceptance.  Once he accepted his fate he started to assure that my mother was going to be ok and divvying up his personal belongings.  I think because there was time for this, I am able to accept it.  I'm not a person who could or would want to change the past.  I know I cannot, so I don't dwell.  The future is hard to imagine sometimes without my heart aching, knowing that he will not be there, but he walked me down the asile and he saw my first child.  He will not see me raise my child, but I feel like he doesn't need to because he raised me right and would have already known what kind of parent I would be.

 He was in my dream last night, helping mom pack up the apartment to move in with us. Jayne was in her crib crying for attention (not waa-waa, but hey look at me cry) and I told my father to go and get her but my mom distracted him with some object.  I believe my waking mind refuses to let my father go about his 'normal' life, should he have been alive, because I know that it is not possible.  I am trying to let my dreams be dreams and to see my father pick up Jayne at 10 months old would be well a dream.

I also have this beautiful baby that smiles all day.  She mimics tone and sounds, she's brave and well reckless.

Oh, and my mom is moving in.