There was a tractor on my street today, one with a shovel on an arm, it was not being used, maybe the driver was stopping in for lunch or something. It made me think of when you would stop by when I was home on vacation. It made me think that this year, this year you would have rearranged your work schedule just so you could have stopped by to see your grand baby. Why couldn't we have had this summer to enjoy your visits. Just one last summer.
I keep thinking of the last thing I told you on the phone. After that last thing, I was ready for you to go. I said "I'm going to miss you Dad," and you said "I'm going to miss you too". The last thing that you said to me was, "your mother wanted me to tell you that I am proud of you, but you already know that." I didn't know that in so many words. I just knew. But even though I was ready for you to go, I was never ready to miss you. I feel like I am caving in. I feel like I am imploding. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I will never be able to watch a movie in which someone dies. I just finished a movie with Dakota Fanning, who has Leukemia. Her father breaks down and tells her not to go, that he wants her to take him with her. I watched the movie to the end, knowing that I would cry. I needed to cry. I haven't cried in a while, but now I feel like I will never stop.
I want to see him again. I need to hug him again. God I miss him.