I'm listening to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" and a line that I have sung so many times holds a new revelation. She says "we can dance until we die," - I've sung it, I've felt it with my husband. Wanting to lie in each other's arms "until we die". Now I realize, unless the girl in the song is lucky enough (yes I said lucky) to die at the same time as her love, she and he will never feel the pain of losing someone, of being alone all of a sudden every day, until she dies. The revelation every day that my father is gone is crushing. Every day something reminds me of him. I cannot believe that I used to think of him this much when he was alive but he now haunts every waking moment. I don't depend on him, but I need him. I miss him so, and the simple remedy of just going over to see him and my mom is gone. Now when I miss him, I cry.
I look in the mirror,
My cheeks are stained with tears,
My eyes are red and puffy,
My lips are shut tight and my chin quivers,
The adult I am looking at wants to stop crying.
She goes away and I am staring at a little girl,
Eyes welling with tears,
She holds her breath,
One blink is all it takes to start crying again.
The little girl weeps with her mouth open,
She runs to her room
Throws herself on her bed and cries into her pillow.
I want my daddy.