I took a nap this morning with my baby girl. I was tired so sleep came easy. I fought to keep looking at my sweet angel soothing herself to sleep, snuggled in my arms. I let sleep win. I dreamt that I was dreaming and in my dream I was hugging you. In my dream, I remembered verbally how your body would feel in my embrace. Not at all like the body we said goodbye to in the hospital. I think I was remembering how you felt while my dream's dream was acting it out. While I was sleeping, this dream put a smile on my face, and warmth in my heart. I woke up with energy and went about my day. But my mind would not put it to rest. 'I dreamt that I dreamt that I was hugging my dad.' were the words my mind would not stop repeating. At first, it would repeat it with a joyful lilt, but as it wore me down, it now repeats it as though it were wailing. It just hurts so damn much. I sometimes wish that we had a fight, so that I can apologize to him and have him back. But then I am proud that I have never fought with my dad. I wish he abandoned us, so that I can go look for him, but that would taint his honour. I wish he decided he would travel the world, at least this way I can wait next to the mailbox for a post card. Instead he is gone-gone. I am not ready for the bullshit that people like to say 'he's watching over you.' How is that a comfort when I want him here? How is that a comfort when I want to call him. How is that a comfort when I have his car in my driveway and I just know that the day we sell it or send it to the scrapyard, it will kill me again.