Monday, 19 May 2014


They said leading up to his death and after his death that my dad will watch over me.  A simple sentiment meant to comfort me, when in reality it really pissed me off. Another one is "stay strong for your daughter", that one really riles me up.  How can you ask me to be strong when I am planning my father's cremation and funeral arrangements like I plan my birthday parties!  How can you ask me to stay strong when there is nothing I can do and too much to do at the same time.  How can you ask me to be strong when at the same time as I am saying goodbye to the photographer that took amazing photos of my daughter, mementos of her smiling baby face, a UPS truck parks in front of my house to deliver my father's urn! Stay strong.  Is it because you feel that I am not up to it? My daughter is fed, happy, clean....I think I am allowed to cry over her if I feel I need to.  She is my greatest comfort.  She is the best listener.

I suppose the sentiment of being watched over is to remind us that there is no need to feel alone, that we can still talk to that person and somehow this comforts us.  I think it is cruel.  It has been 15 days since his death and we have had a funeral and a baptism since.  I would like to think that he has been there watching us, or sitting next to us.  I like to think that he got to witness, at the restaurant where we had his memorial, the impact he had on others while he was alive, because I don't think he loved himself enough to realize the impact he had on others.  I didn't even realize the impact he had since it never occurred to me to think about it.  You think about impact when you think about the people who volunteer, who get crests, titles or even parties in their honour for the great work done.  I like to think that he would tell us not to fuss, but his tender heart would be filled with love and pride at the hard work his kids put into remembering him and his wife for taking apart photo albums filled with decades worth of photos just to find those photos that summed up his life.  I like to think that he  was watching his grand baby get welcomed into the house of God through baptism.  That maybe he was sitting with the Big Man and getting compliments from Him about how beautiful and perfect she is.  I like to think that he is near me when I weep, I miss his arms so.  He would tell me to "reviens-en" get over it, move on.

I think it's cruel.  I think it would be unfair to be hovering around those you love for.....sounds like as long as you need them.  It's cruel to me to be able to talk to my father and not hear an answer, same for him, he can hear the question but not be able to give me his advice.  How cruel is it that he can watch his widow, crying herself to sleep and he cannot hold her.  He might place his hand on her shoulder to let her know he is there but she'd probably pull up the blanked over her shoulder where he left a cold spot.  Would he be pained to watch that he cannot throw his baby granddaughter into the air and hear her giggle.  Such a beautiful creature made by his daughter and he cannot enjoy her.

I would rather that he move on. Move on away from the mundanity of life, onto the other lie we tell ourselves of better places.  Do we create our own heaven?  I cannot imagine my father living on a cloud with the sound of angels signing in the distance.  I see him watching the NASCAR races from the best seats, having access to the pits, the winners circle and the garages.   I see him mowing endless fields of grass and never getting tired, unless he wanted to feel a good days work.  i see him passing the snow blower on a summer day just because he felt like it.  But these scenarios pull up more questions like if he can pick and choose what his heaven looks like on any given day, how does it affect everyone else's heavens?  Will he be bumping into my grandpa, great aunts that we have lost or are there so many people that it would be impossible to find them.  Essentially I guess my heaven would be a holodeck or virtual reality.  Choosing which space I want to inhabit for the moment.  

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