Sunday, 17 May 2015

I miss my friend

I miss my friend.  I miss her daily.  The nice weather reminds me of drives with the windows down and the music blaring.  This weather reminds me of cigarettes and Red Bull and the promise of booze and cigarettes around the pool.  I quit all those things, including my friend. It squeezes my heart, but I am able to wipe away the ache like I swipe the screen of my phone to move on to something else.  It is easy to wipe away the ache because I can no longer be her friend.

I miss my dad.  I don't think of him daily.  I go blank when I am alone with my thoughts.  I ache to be alone with my thoughts, and now that I am here, my babies are asleep, my husband is out and my mom is in her room, I have nothing to express.  I hide my pain under my new life.  I hide my pain because I have to move on, day by day, running my house and taking care of my family.  I hide my pain because I don't want pity (please don't play the Devil's Advocate, I know the game), I don't want to hear "there, there", I don't want to cry in front of my mom, I don't want to cry in her arms.  I tell myself that I am not sad because I had closure and I said goodbye.

I am very sad.  I am sad that I am not letting myself be sad.  I am having a hard time writing this because I don't want to be sad. I have to feed my newborn soon, I have to wake up refreshed for my oldest child. I don't want to be sad. I don't know how to live sad.  I've been mad, and dark and happy. I've never been sad.

Woe is she who's sadness is hidden;
She doesn't yet know she is drowning.
Her tears held back make her heart heavy,
And when she dives into her pain,
She will have to fight for a breath.

Something like that.


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