I thought I was fine. Monday night we put our dog to sleep. I cried as I held her on my lap on our way to the vet. So trustworthy, so unassuming. She thought we were going on a road trip and she was invited. I felt like I was betraying her. My husband brought her in as I wept in the back seat with my seven month old smiling at me. I watched our dog through the window as she willingly followed the technician to the back of the office. Then my husband came out and we drove home silently.
I thought I was fine. But everything I do reminds me that she is gone. She is not following me everywhere I go. There is no more barking to let me know that someone is passing in front of our house. There is a truck parked in the front neighbours driveway and I didn't know in was there. She would have let me know. No one asking for the door in the morning, no one greeting us at the door when we come home. It is so easy now to pull the covers over my shoulders at night because she is no longer sleeping at our feet.
I thought I was fine. I told myself that an animal is not like a human. You don't plan a future with them. I didn't expect her to be there for my daughter's first day of school or wedding......but I guess I planned for her to be here today and tomorrow.
But she was there. When my husband found her, he was living with his parents. When I went to sleep over on the weekends, our dog would kick me in the back because her spot in bed was in my husband's arms. I quickly let her know that when I was there his arms were mine and then she would spoon behind my knees.
We taught her to sit, give her paws and roll over. We taught her to take treats slowly and not snap. She taught me to appreciate every little thing that you are given. Some weeks I wouldn't take her out for walks and when I did, she never threw the times I didn't in my face. She was just grateful that she was going out.
She went from dark black to grey. You would swear that she was smiling.
I miss her more than I thought I would. After all, she's just a dog right.....wrong.